I slipped away from camp and bought yet another pregnancy test. I couldn't help myself. There is a new pregnancy test on the market in Europe. I don't think it's for sale in the US yet. Anyway, Clearblue is marketing it, and it tests the hcg levels in your urine and tells you how many weeks pregnant you are (it doesn't give you an actual hcg level, sadly). No, I don't need to know how many weeks pregnant I am (although, yes, it irritates the crap out of me that there are women out there that might need a pregnancy test to tell them when they got knocked up). No, I don't need to know if I'm pregnant. Yes, I bought the test (a TWO PACK!) and used it one of them. After seeing endless ads for the things, I got curious about what it would say about my hcg levels. Waning? Sky high? Normal?
I am on CD31 today. That makes me 4 weeks and 3 days today. It says that I am 4-5 weeks pregnant. So, spot on. I'll take that.
In other news, there is no other spotting today. We did a fairly long albeit easy/flat hike (9 miles), and I feel really great. We've been doing a ton of walking/hiking in recent months, so I'm in pretty good shape. It was good to get out, and I'm feeling reasonably optimistic still. We'll see how I feel as the milestones come at me. It's interesting to pass those old points where other pregnancies went sideways. When you get to that point, you tense up and close your eyes and hold your breath, then try to tiptoe past like you're not really there. For me, that next point will be the 7-8 week mark, where I had my first miscarriage.
So, now that I've stuffed my fancy new pregnancy test back in my backpack, I'm going to slink on over to summer camp like nothing ever happened. . .
Today's question: What has most surprised you about being an adult?
That I don't feel like an adult, even thought other people see me as one. I keep waiting to feel like a grownup, but I still feel so young. It's kind of disconcerting to realize that young people think I'm ancient--that how other people see me doesn't look at all like how I see myself.
I had a moment the other day when it really hit me just how much time has flown by, and just how old I must be (even thought I don't feel it). I was in a restaurant having lunch, and this guy walked in. He was with a woman and two little kids (maybe like 2 and 4), and another guy, but I only noticed the first guy at first. He just had this look about him: longish tangled hair, tshirt, tons of tattoos, confident yet low key. . .as I looked at him, I thought, "this is one of those moments where I am looking at someone and they are incredibly famous and I SHOULD know who they are, but once again I am culturally illiterate, and I DON'T." So anyway, they were the only other people in the restaurant, and they were seated at the next table. This guy was sitting facing me, and I slowly took in the rest of his party: cute girls, clearly his daughters; wife was pretty but not gorgeous; nice stroller; expensive handbag; and douche-y looking guy who was clearly an agent or personal assistant or something--he was the one arranging for the table, plus he was wearing a long sleeve shirt with a fabric vest over it (like the kind that goes with a three piece suit)--everyone else was in jeans and tshirts. The assistant guy had an expensive haircut and a hipper-than-thou attitude that was visible in an instant. Anyway, one of the people with me recognized the first guy, because her son is obsessed with his band. It's a really famous band, and he used to be in an uber-famous '90's band, as well.
When I realized who he was, I thought about his music career, and realized that he's been playing music for 20 years. "Wow," I thought. "Rock legend--been around forever." And I was thinking of him as being "old." (Frankly, he looks old. . .the rock n' roll lifestyle is definitely NOT the fountain of youth!) At some point after that, I was reading a newspaper article, and it said that this musician is essentially MY AGE. Which means that when I was listening to him, he was MY AGE. And since that band seems to be a million light years in my past, that must mean I am OLD LIKE HIM! Yikes. But it seems like just yesterday that grunge was in and I was jamming away to his band while wearing plaid shirts.
So, yeah. It's a surprise to me that I don't feel like and adult, and still think of myself as "young." I thought I'd be more mature at almost 40. Although, I don't regret that I don't feel like an adult, so it's all good!