Yes I Did

I broke down and tested this morning. Nothing, of course. It's far too early. Yes, I know that. But lest you think me entirely crazy, I got a positive test on 9dpo the last time I was pregnant. Plus, the box says you can test as early as three days before you expect your period. Which would be today. Of course, this is only 8dpo, which is still too early. And my positive 9dpo test was very faint. I will of course test again tomorrow.

I know that I am probably not pregnant, because that's just how I roll, but it's nice to imagine that it's actually possible, and I'm happy inhabiting this space for a while.

It's a Beautiful Holiday Weekend. . .

and I'm heading off to work. So awesome. Loooooove the Big Project.

Well, I'm 7dpo, and ready for the 2ww to be over. I'm not a patient person, I admit it. I will surely have to test soon. So that got me thinking, am I just crazy? Am I the only one with a little hope rolling around who still delights in POAS-ing, even after all this time? I confess, I still consider it one of the rewards to all of this. It's like scratching a lottery ticket. . .maybe this is THE ONE!

Hope you have a happy Saturday, and you're doing something fun. Before you go, take the poll, and we'll see just how my crazy stacks up.

But Then Again. . .

I am waking up 42 times in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. This was my first "symptom" the last time I was pregnant. It's got to be psychosomatic, because seriously, it's way too early for symptoms. Waaaaay. But nevertheless, the hope is bubbling up.

Okay, I might be obsessing a teensy bit, in between the craziness of the Big Project.

Our D&C was a year ago today. Truthfully, it feels so far behind us that it's barely a blip on my radar. It's just part of the fabric of my history now. It is weird to think it's been a year since we were last pregnant, though. So much has happened in the last year. Like so many other people around these parts, I never thought it would take this long. I never thought that a year and a half after we started trying, we'd still be in the same place.

But I'm feeling really positive about things. I just keep thinking about the tarot card reader that told me it wasn't my time before, and that she saw two children in my future. When I look at where my life was a year ago, and I look at where I'm headed in the next year, I am excited and energized. As much as I still don't believe in tarot card readers, I believe that my time is coming, and I feel like it's coming soon.

I Just Don't Think So

I know I'm only like 4dpo, but I don't think this is our cycle. The proof of this? My bodacious ta-ta's hurt. It's a little early for them to hurt, either way. But I'm guessing that I'm going to have a short LP again, and this is why they hurt 4dpo. I'm sure I'm being a pessimist. After everything, I just can't help it. I'm not obsessing over it, though--I swear. I'm too busy right now.

Show & Tell--August 24, 2008

It's been forever since I've joined the class. Let's just say that the Big Project has kept me out of school. But even though I should be doing something else right now, I decided to swing by school this week, to show a couple of things. The first is this:


As I mentioned a few months ago, I picked this book up when my cycles started getting longer and fertility drugs started looking more likely. I thought I might as well check it out to see if it had any useful information for me. It's an older book on fertility and nutrition, by natural family planning advocate Marilyn Shannon. She has something like 8 kids, and had her youngest when she was 48, so I thought she might be something of an expert. I wasn't expecting much (sorry to be biased--but she lives on a farm, teaches for the Couple to Couple league, and homeschools all her kids), given her background. I was pleasantly surprised to find that I am an opionated bee-yatch, and the book is well-sourced, with lots of footnotes citing various medical studies. Granted, the book is a little old, and so are the studies, but there is some science there.

There is an interesting section in the book about luteal phase defects. I know there's a lot of debate in the medical community about whether there really is such a thing as luteal phase defect, or whether a short luteal phase reflects a problem elsewhere in the cycle. Regardless of which camp you fall into, the book notes that a Vitamin B6 deficiency can interfere with fertility, and suggests that 200-600 mg/day can rectify this situation, citing a study that was published in the Journal of Clinical Endocrinology. The book also has a giant section on PMS, and recommends a particular diet and supplement program developed by a doctor named Guy Abraham to overcome PMS, called Optivite PMT. The author suggested that these vitamins might also help overcome progesterone/luteal phase issues, even for those who don't suffer from PMS. The author notes that

In a truly remarkable study, vitamin B6, a critical nutrient for PMS sufferers, was given in 100-800 mg/day doses to 14 women who had normal menstrual cycles but also had PMS and infertility of 18 months to 7 years' duration. Ten of the 14 had never borne a child; the other four were experiencing secondary infertility. Twelve of the women conceived, 11 within six months of the B6 therapy! In this study, prolactin levels were not found to change, but progesterone levels were significantly increased in several women, indicating that the vitamin B6 had improved their luteal function.

It's a small study, for sure, but the results are rather impressive, given that all of the women suffered from infertility. I'm not crazy about fertility drugs, as I've mentioned, so after reading this, I was willing to give the B6 a shot. I decided to just go ahead and buy the Optivite vitamins, since they were formulated to address hormonal imbalance. Here is the label:



I was a little sketched out by some of the amounts, so I started out taking one tablet a month, and then moved to two, rather than the 6 they recommend. I also added a folic acid supplement, since they are low in that. I've been taking them for a couple of months now. This is my second month taking two every day, and the only month in the last year where I've ovulated anywhere near the middle of the cycle. Who knows whether the vitamins are helping, but it's certainly an interesting coincidence.

So, what are you showing today?

Holy Crap!

Today is CD14, and I got an egg on the monitor. CM? Check. Ovulation pain? Check. Temperature still in the pre-O range? Check.

I can scarcely believe it, but all signs point to what the textbooks seem to call a "normal" cycle. I don't want to get my hopes up too high. But, I've NEVER ovulated this early before, or had anything resembling the CM I've experienced over the last few days.

I'm feeling freakishly optimistic. I don't know why. In a few days, I will be marking the one year anniversary of my miscarriage, but I feel like that is all in the past. After everything over the last year--the miscarriage, the complete lack of any cycles, the screwed up cycles, the delayed ovulation, the bizarre infection, the medical problems. . .I feel like this might really, finally work. I don't know why, and it sounds kind of crazy, but I just do.

Awww, Thanks!

The list of happy thoughts was just what I needed to cheer me up. Thanks so much!

Weirdly, I had horrible O-like pain all day today (CD11). And tons of CM. So much so, that I started to get paranoid every time I had to stand up and speak in front of a group today, because I was afraid I was completely leaking (I wasn't). I can't possibly be O-ing on CD11. Can I? Could the crazy obscure vitamins I'm taking actually be working?

Donations Wanted

Please help. I'm collecting good news. I could really use some this week. What do you have for me? Any good news at all that you've got, no matter how small or silly, please send my way. In fact, the more ridiculous the better, because I could really use a laugh, too. Whatcha got?

Random musings

I finally realized that I was never going to get exactly what I wanted in a car. I wanted 4wd, a big cargo area, seating for 5, a place to put my kayak, and decent gas mileage for under $25k. That seemed relatively simple to me. Unfortunately, the cargo areas on a lot of the crossovers are just too small for my needs. I found a few I liked--the Honda CR-V and the Subaru Forrester were near the top of my list. I hated the Rav-4 and the Highlander, incidentally. I really would've bought the CR-V in a heartbeat, actually. But Terrific T. hated it, plus I hated the dealers. He said it was too effeminate and he didn't want to even be seen in it as a passenger, which I found hilarious. I was on the fence about a Subaru. . .they seem so low to the ground to me. Had the Subaru salesman worked harder for me, I might have been persuaded, but he didn't even call me back with the incentives he had told me were coming out (although, he did manage to tell me before I left that they are selling out of the new Forresters as soon as they hit the lot, which is perhaps why he didn't care about talking to me). So, it was ultimately a Nissan that won out, again. The salesman was terrific about following up with us, and went out of his way to get us what we needed while we were at the showroom (take the car out for an extended drive; no, I don't need to come; here's a cup of coffee for you; I'll get you any color you want; we'll work on the options for you). It's a boring choice, for sure, since I just had a Nissan. But, they dropped the price by an obscene amount--such an obscene amount, in fact, that I figured out that it actually made up for the money I'd save over two years driving one of the other cars that I was looking at which had better gas mileage. They got me almost all of the options I wanted (it's model year-end, so I didn't quite get everything). I never thought I'd get them to go that low on the price, but they did, and that's what I decided to base my decision on, ultimately. They were offering no deals on Hondas or Subarus, unless I got an Outback, which I didn't want. So, it all worked out. I guess. I still think I'm kind of pathetic for getting the same car I just had.

I'm completely ambivalent about TTC this month. The Big Project is sucking up all the oxygen from my life, and I'm just not sure I can handle being pregnant right now (and part of me just thinks it's crazy that I even think I might get pregnant this month--why would I be so optimistic, after the experiences of the last dozen months?). On the other hand, I don't really want to wait three months until it's over, because that puts me three more months down the road, and I have another birthday coming on Monday, putting me very squarely into the AMA category. I guess we'll see what the month brings. If I O at anything resembling a reasonable date, I'm going to have to go for it. I just don't know how many decent cycles I have left in me, and I'm definitely heading in the wrong direction in that regard. I don't want to look back and say "I should've gone for it, and I missed my opportunity." I don't think I could live with the idea that I put my job first, and completely missed my opportunity to have kids because of it. Still, I have a ton of public stuff to do over the next few months, and I'm paranoid I'll get morning sickness and throw up in front of a crowd. That would be awkward.

I have been thinking a lot again about whether this is even the right decision. I can equally see myself with kids and without. I think I'm looking at the decision through the specter of the Big Project, though--it's certainly easier to undertake something like this when all I have to remember to do is feed myself and pick up my dry cleaning. I know once I come out the other side, I will be in a totally different place on this. Still, it scares me to think I am second-guessing myself on such a monumental decision. But knowing myself, I will probably always do this. I've never made a decision where I haven't said "what if." I am inherely analytical about everything. Everything has a cost-benefit analysis, and the costs and benefits of everything are a moving target in my psychotic little head.

Speaking of weighing things, I'm still really low on the literal scales. The stress of working on the Big Project is making it hard for me to put any weight on. I'm trying to eat good breakfasts and dinners. Lunch is kind of a whirlwind, and I mostly eat portable snacks, and that's really the only option, with everything going on. I might have to add some sort of shake to my daily repertoire. If anyone has any good, tasty, healthy ideas, I'd love them.

My garden is completely overgrown. It's rained here for weeks on end, and the weeds have won. I can't even find the pepper plants. I know where I left them, but they have been overtaken by strange green weeds three times their size. Why do weeds grow faster than beneficials?

Terrific T. and I went to breakfast at our favorite joint this morning. It's the kind of place where there's always a line for the dozen tables, free coffee while you wait on the sidewalk, a sign on the wall explicitly prohibiting cell phones, and lively tatted-up waitstaff. The bright red walls sport revolving and often excellent art exhibits, the food is good, and we go most weekends. It draws a 30-something, kidless crowd, probably due to the fact almost all of the tables in its tiny dining room seat only two. This morning, two society mavens made quite the show of pulling their canary yellow sportscar into a parking spot directly in front. For some reason, the driver felt it necessary to rev the engine and pull the car back and forth in the generously-spaced parking spot at least a half dozen times. When they stepped out of the car, I noted that both women were well over 60, both dressed to the nines in clothes that would have been perfectly at home on women 30 years younger. The driver of the car, perfectly coiffed in a well-blown bob at 8am on a Sunday morning, sported painted on designer jeans, waaaay too much silicon in her very enhanced lips, a face lift (or three) that stretched her features well beyond the normal proportions, and black eyeliner that would've made Joan Jett proud. Oh, and she came complete with some sort of white teacup-sized rat dog that she proudly told the waiter weighed "only three pounds." Living, breathing caricatures of the rich and vapid.

Car Shopping Again

That pretty much tells you everything you need to know about my day. It's a rotten experience. If I'm going to plop down piles of cash for something, it would be nice if the salesmen could at least be nice to me. While trying to test drive the Honda CR-V today, the salesman kept making us wait. He made me walk all the way to the back lot to go test drive a car, and then said he would be right back while I went and got keys. Dude, why did you make me walk all the way back here if you didn't have keys? And why didn't YOU just go get the car? Then he made me wait on looking at a color chart while he drove the car BACK to park it (I had left it in a space near the sales floor, and there were many, MANY spaces open). I didn't like the base model interior, and wanted to see the next level up, so he made me wait AGAIN, and then finally came back with keys this time. He started to walk me out to one, but then saw other customers, and actually threw me the keys and took off after THEM. He had the nerve to tell me that it was the best-selling vehicle in America. I guess that's why he didn't think he needed to be nice to me, or even pay attention to me. He thought wrong. This is my second bad Honda dealership experience in a row. Honda may have top-rated vehicles, but maybe Honda should be a little more concerned about customer service, because at the end of the day, there are a lot of cars that are very similar, and it's just as easy for me to buy a different brand from a dealer who actually tries to make me happy. Easier, actually.

Thoughts on Borneo

It appears that Borneo really will be a reality. I can scarcely believe it. There are even whispers of a slightly longer sabbatical than I had originally intended. Right now, we are planning on trying to travel for four weeks. It seems bizarre to even type that. Since getting my first "real" job, I haven't had more than a week off at a time. Shame on me. But anyway. . .we might be able to eek out a few more weeks, on top of those four. I'm thinking that might be a good time to lounge about in my pajamas all day and read trashy magazines, and also clean out some closets, and the beasts that my garage and basement have become.

Some of the things that are tops on my list for the travel portion of the itinerary include scuba lessons and surf camp. Since we'll be making plans at the last minute, anyway, I'm thinking that if we're not pregnant by then, it's definitely going to be Central America--Guatemala, Honduras, and Panama or Costa Rica, most likely. If we are pregnant, we probably won't go there, because scuba would be out, and malaria and other unfortunate diseases are too much of a risk in the places I want to go. I know that women in those areas get pregnant quite successfully, and deliver healthy babies, but it's just not the kind of risk I think I am willing to take. If we are pregnant, I'm thinking about a month in Hawaii. There's plenty of snorkeling, hiking, etc. there to keep me happy.

Doesn't that sound lovely, either way? It's all that's keeping me going right now.

Decisions, Decisions

AF arrived on Saturday with no advance warning. It's been heavier than usual, which I'm hoping means there was more of a lining than usual. In the final analysis, I think I did ovulate, somewhere between CD25 and CD29. That would leave me with an LP of somewhere between 8 and 13 days, I guess.

T. and I have been talking a lot about where to go from here. He would like to try three more cycles unassisted, then three cycles with Clomid, and then move forward with adoption plans, if we are not pregnant by then. My immediate reaction to this plan was that six more cycles didn't sound like very many. But, he is somewhat older than I am, and upwards of 40, so I can understand where he is coming from. Watching him this weekend with our friend's three young sons, I had tears in my eyes.

In some respects, his plan makes some sense. The best chances of Clomid working on its own happen in the first three cycles. Neither of us really wants to do IUI with injectibles or IVF. It's not about the cost. In fact, we have gold standard health insurance which would cover it. It's the process, the appointments, the drugs, the invasiveness. It seems horrid, and I don't mean this as any disrespect to anyone who has chosen that route (indeed, you are likely far less of a wuss than I am, and I applaude your mental and physical stamina). But then, there are so many aspects of the adoption system which also seem horrid to me (and then there is the cost...). I know I should be thankful to have choices, and I am. I have no idea how to make them, though. I am someone who analyses every choice to death, and then picks the one the feels best. Here, I'm having a hard time deciding what feels best; I am Alice and everything in Wonderland is feels strange and ill-fitting.

For now, I don't have to make any final decisions. We've decided that we will definitely do nothing but try the "old fashioned" way for the next 2-3 cycles. I'm going to up the B6 from 50 mg to 100-150 mg this cycle, and probably add Vitex. Then, when the Big Project is over and we've had a nice, relaxing stint in Borneo, we can face the hard questions head on.

"Clomid Was My Gateway Drug"

While reading Blood Signs this morning, a Peggy Ornstein quote caught my attention. "Clomid was my gateway drug." I thought this was the perfect line. It says everything I fear about Clomid.

The path I am traveling seems well-worn, and as I look ahead, I am of two minds about whether I want to continue in the direction it seems to be headed. You start out this process with clear ideas on how it is going to work and what you want out of it. But then things change, and you make a million decisions to do things you said you would never do, and things that once sounded like sheer lunacy start to feel perfectly normal. . .and yes, it sounds a whole lot like the path that you hear about perfectly respectable people following to becoming homeless junkies. And given the cost of ART, perhaps the analogy to being a homeless junkie is particularly apt, because it's easy to see how you could invest all of your resources in this process, and find yourself with nothing at the end.

Many months ago now, we made the decision to create a family, and tossed the birth control. We talked about our ages (upwards of 35 for both of us), and how we felt about ART (opposed). We tried, and got pregnant within a few months. We had a miscarriage. We then had some trouble. We talked some more about ART (well, we thought, maybe a little--but no needles). The doctor first says no intervention is needed yet, but then Clomid is ultimately recommended. We talk about that (Terrific T. is all for it; I am not so sure). And here we are.

I know that compared to an IVF drug protocol, Clomid is nothing. But I don't even take ibuprofen all that often. I'm not really into medication, unless it comes from a corked bottle. My god, look what a mere antibiotic did to my system this spring. And if we do this, and this doesn't work, what is next?

Peggy Ornstein writes
"The descent into the world of infertility is incremental. Those early steps seem innocuous, even quaint: IUI was hardly more complex than using the turkey baster. You're not aware of how subtly alienated you become from your body, how inured to its medicalization. You don't notice your motivation distorting, how conception rather than parenthood becomes the goal, how invested you become in its "achievement." Each decision to go a little further seems logical. More than that, it begins to feel inevitable."

She also writes that
"Becoming a parent can't give me back the time -- the entire second half of my 30s -- that was obliterated by obsession. It doesn't compensate for the inattention to my career, for my self-inflicted torment, for the stress I put on my marriage."

And then she says this:
"That's the insidious thing about infertility treatments: The very fact of their existence, the possibility, however, slim, that the next round might get you pregnant creates an imperative that may not have otherwise existed. If you didn't try it, you'd always have to wonder whether it would've worked. That's how you lose sight of your real choices -- because the ones you're offered make you feel as if you have none."



How far am I willing to go? We always said no intervention. We always said adoption. But it's so hard not to just try "one more thing." I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a precipice. It's just a little pill. It's easy. Or is it?

Lost in Space

I am now fairly sure I O'd this month, despite the traitorous monitor's protestations to the contrary. I've had 8 days of high temp's in the range where my post-O temps usually are, and during my exam on Wednesday, there was a ton of pain when Dr. HooHoo pushed on my right side, which she said was likely because I O'd on that side. Because of those four days I was away where I didn't temp, I am somewhere between 8 and 12dpo today. I'm such a control freak, it's driving me crazy to not know when I O'd. I have no idea when AF will show, although I'm quite sure that it will. I am breaking out like crazy, including in places where I never break out, and my boobs hurt. Don't tell me you think there's a chance, because there just isn't. I never have any CM, and we only had sex the day before I left, which would have been the day before I O'd, at the earliest, and like five days before I O'd, at the latest. So, there is just no way it's going to work this cycle. Plus, given my doctor's thoughts on my estrogen levels, it doesn't seem likely, anyway. (Dr. Google says that when estrogen is low, "the lining of the uterus is scant and not hospitable to a pregnancy.")

Despite my likely inhospitable ute, of course I've already tested. Patience isn't one of my strong points. Plus, I have a million of those cheap little test dipstick thingys. Nada there.

Okay, I admit it, it's completely insane, but I'm still hopeful. It's completely and utterly irrational, and contrary to everything I have learned about my body up to this point, but there it is. Somewhere in my brain, there is still a little piece of me that says "maybe." This whole process is such a mindfuck.

The Verdict

Dr. Hoo Hoo says Clo.mid. She thinks my five minute periods and very late ovulation mean a problem with my estrogen levels. And down the slippery slope we go. . .

Quick Update

I'm sooooo tired. The Big Project is kicking my ass. I'm reading as a form of stress relief, but not commenting much (sorry!).

So anyway, although I didn't think I O'd this month, and the monitor said I didn't O this month, I think I must've. My last six temp's have been in my usual post-O range. The problem is that I didn't temp for the 4 days before that, so I am somewhere between 5DPO and 9DPO, and on CD35. Grrr. Well, at least AF is probably on its way. In other news, I go see Dr. Hoo Hoo today for my annual exam. I'm sure she'll bring up Clomid again. I don't think I can go there right now. I've read too many horror stories about the hormonal mess that Clomid brings on, and I just can't handle that right now.

Still no word on the car front. The insurance company (not mine-the other woman's) is making me crazy, and I just don't have time for this right now. Suffice it to say that I don't have a check from them, and my rental car expires on Monday (they are paying for it), and they are refusing to make any arrangements for a car for me past Monday, even if they haven't paid me by then. But oh, they'd like me to sign the title over to them.

Car Rant

In an effort to test drive the Hon.da CR.V yesterday, I went to two different dealerships. I went to one at lunch, but the salesman was clueless and useless, and I gave up pretty quickly. I went to the other at about 7:30 last night, on my way home from work. As I got to the second one, another couple also arrived. One salesman was tied up with a third couple, but two more salesmen were sitting inside.

So, I walked over to the car I am interested in, and peered around. The "way back" is roomier than I would've expected, and there might even be enough room for my dog. Despite my peering, no salesman appeared. Ditto for the other couple that got there when I did. I walked back and forth down the row of cars, looking at the Ele.ment and the Pi.lot. Nothing. I walked around the building, down the row of minivans, past one salesman's desk--TWICE. Nothing. He kept looking up at me through the glass wall of the sales room, but didn't get up from his desk. Through the glass wall, I could also see he was checking out MLB stat's. Nice.

Apparently, my hovering was bugging him, because he then went into an interior office (also glass) and started using the computer there. One of the other salesman then went in and started hanging out with him in that office.

And I'm still standing there, looking at cars. The other couple was still standing there, also very clearly needing attention. Finally, I decided to just leave. I could've gone inside and asked to be helped, but they were very clearly reluctant to do any work at that point, and I just wasn't interested in doing business with such lazy salesmen. I shouldn't have to make people do their job, when I'm the one spending the money. It's not like they're doing me a favor. As I walked past the sales floor a final time, I looked very pointedly at the salesmen hanging out in the office, who had now been joined by the third salesman who had previously been waiting on customers. His customers had by now left. As I looked at them, I shook my head in disgust.

As I got into my car, the third salesman ran after me (and I was parked waaaay down the end of the building), and asked if he could help me. I told him that I had been interested in buying a car, but wasn't overly impressed with the service at the dealership. He apologized and said that there were only three of them working. I let him know that this might have been a better excuse, had I not seen one of the saleman surfing the net. He didn't know how to respond to that, so I left it at that, and left the dealership. I live in suburbia, and there are plenty of Hon.da dealerships around. Times are tight in this market, and there are plenty of dealerships who actually value customer service, I'm sure. One of them will be getting my money and my time.

Grab bag

First, thank you for your car suggestions. I think we have four finalists. We test drove two yesterday, and now I just need to find time to test drive the other two. Manda, I would love a Cayenne, but I would never, ever spend that kind of money on a car--it's such a waste of money, plus you never know when some old woman is going to be talking to fluffy and not paying attention to the road. . .

The last time I bought a car several years ago, we talked about how it would be the car that our child sat in, and that went into the equation. Funny, huh? Maybe I'm incredibly stupid, because I'm still looking at what people say about getting car seats in and out of the ones we're looking at. And safety is Terrific T's top priority, since his kids are going to be riding in it. And yes, he is talking in plural. We clearly have learned nothing from our journey.

Despite the stubborn refusal of my CBEFM to show me the money this month, my temperature seems to have spiked over the last three days. Maybe it's just a little warm in my bedroom, or maybe I actually did O. If I did, I don't know WHEN I did, since there were four days before these three high temp's when I did not temp due to the time change when I traveled, and the subsequent lack of sleep. There was one other month when I thought my temp shift was clear, but the CBEFM said I'd O'd at a different time, so I've already learned that the monitor is not foolproof. My boobs feel a little larger and a little sore, so perhaps AF is on its way. I think I'm on CD32 today. I have an annual appointment on Wednesday with my GYN, and I guess we'll talk then about where to go from here.

And, it's raining here again today. It seems like it has rained every day this summer, and I'm sick of it. Although, I've hardly needed to water anything at all, so I guess there's a silver lining.

Car Shopping

Since my car is totaled, I'm going to have to go car shopping. Ugh. It's the last thing I needed right now. So, what would you get if you were shopping at this point, hoping for a kid, needing to driving in the snow, and hauling a kayak and a dog?